Grief, Loss, Our Tears and God's Love

            I think that one of the worst things that can be said to people who have undergone a loss is to tell them that what has happened is God’s will.  When we are in the middle of grief, we don’t need anyone to explain to us what has happened.  It is right in front of us.  Our reaction to loss is certainly predictable.  We will cry and grieve and feel very much alone.  What we need in these moments is love and acceptance, not feeble explanations and stupid comments.  I think what people are trying to do in moments like this is to deflect the grief; to offer a comment that will possibly put things in perspective.  The problem with this is that it isn’t at all helpful and really blames the griever for their tears.

            I was a member at one time of the diocesan board of Examining Chaplains.  My job was to examine candidates in pastoral theology.  The whole idea was to get some kind of an idea about how our seminary graduates would behave as clergy.  I had one candidate that I remember very well.  I told him that he had learned that a family in his parish had lost a son in an automobile accident.  He had just pulled up in front of the house and had gone inside.  He found the grieving parents in the living room.  I asked him what he would do then.  He told me that he would tell them about the Lord Jesus and how Jesus saves us all.  I asked him how he would do this.  He told me that he would simply explain it all to those parents, and that would hopefully ease their grief.

              I failed him.  That wasn’t what those parents needed at all.  What they needed was his tears, his arms around them; his depth of concern.  Their grief was certainly warranted.  Their tears were above all things understandable.  What wasn’t really understandable was a sermon to them about the salvation of Jesus Christ in the middle of their loss.

            Coming up is All Saint’s Sunday.  It is a wonderful day to recognize all of those who have gone before us, who have lived their lives in the knowledge of God’s Love and who have passed on to all of us the heritage of their faith.  The scripture for today reflects God’s gracious love in the middle of the turmoil that we all experience in this world.  Living isn’t easy.  We all have moments of grief and loss.  What these lessons are trying to do is to help us to understand that God is with us in our misery.  God works to create for us hope in the middle of our despair. 

            When Jesus went to Bethany after hearing of the death of his friend Lazarus; the brother of Mary and Martha, he went with a heavy heart.  He was met on the road first by the older sister Martha who grabbed him by the shirt and shouted at him:  If you had been here, my brother would not have died!  Jesus replied to her that her brother would rise again.  Martha cut him off with the comment, Yes, yes, I know, he will rise again at the last day; throwing this knowledge back into his face almost as if it was simply a sop to her grief.  Jesus replied to her: I am the resurrection and the life, no one comes to the Father except by me!  Martha was immediately comforted.  In a few moments, Mary came to Jesus and told him the same thing.  Jesus asked her: Where have you laid him? Jesus went to the tomb and stood there and wept.  I can’t imagine a more wonderful response to the loss of Lazarus.  But then Jesus did more.  He told Martha to roll away the stone from in front of the tomb.  She did so reluctantly, saying that is has been four days and that there would be a stench.  Jesus called forth Lazarus from the tomb.  His wrappings were removed and he was back with his sisters.  This was a glorious moment for all of them. 

            When we are in the presence of grief and loss, our job is not to explain it but to accept it and offer our love and care.  We don’t need to tell people that everything will be all right.  Things are obviously not all right at the moment.  There aren’t words to help; only arms to hold and tears to share. 

            The lesson from Isaiah (Isaiah 25: 1-6) is about God’s intention to end death forever.  This wonderful lesson is frequently read at funerals.  It is intended to offer comfort to those who have lost their loved ones.  I have heard it read through tears by members of families who have suffered loss.  It is a future promise from God who wants us to know that the plan is to give us all back our lives and to include us all in God’s Kingdom.  That certainly doesn’t fix the here and now; but it is a comfort to know that what our loving God has in mind for all of us is freedom from grief and pain and the certainty of eternal life.